Skilled

My parenting skills ebb and flow, like much of the things in my life. In one week I might fluctuate every other day between calm, in-charge Mommy and screaming, irrational Mommy. Other weeks I am on top of my game and confident. The next I will be nutty all week. Then there are days that throw it all in the mix.


My kids have to be confused by it all. Heck, I'M confused by it all. Consistency is key in discipline, relationships, maybe even in life. I'm reading and re-reading Love and Logic, (okay so I've never read the original...yet but I'm reading the early years and what to say when kids leave you speechless). The techniques work wonders for my kids if I remember to employ them.

When my kids fight (and they have been fighting often lately) in the car I've started telling them they'll need to pay me to listen to it and start naming ways they can pay me. If they argue at home, I simply leave whatever room they are arguing in. It's amazing how quickly the dispute is resolved without mom observing.

Why don't I use this stuff all the time? I suppose I need to practice more. Maybe by the time they have their own kids I'll have it down...but I doubt it.

Maybe I need one of those shock collars that some people use to prevent their dogs from barking. It could give me a jolt to remind me that yelling at my kids never works as well as being calm and confident.

Helping Jar

Lately my kids (yes, all of them...even the 2-year-old) have spent a lot of time fighting just for the sport of it. I know a certain amount of disagreement and disharmony is normal with siblings but this has been reaching the point of being nearly unbearable. I hear "he/she hit me" "he/she looked at me" "he/she touched me/kicked me/stepped on me/pinched me/whateverelseakidcandotoanotherkid." I told my big kids a few times to just get it over with and hit one another until they bled. They refused of course and probably not the best thing to say to your kids but sometimes I think they need to be shocked into realizing what they are doing. "Go ahead and stand up and hit one another! Don't stop until you're both bleeding! Come on! Do it! You don't like one another anyway!"

"We like each other Mommy!" Doesn't seem like it to me.

I read something last week that sparked an idea. One woman made a "Brothers" bank. For us, it will be a "Family" bank or something like that. The idea is that whenever we catch the kids doing something nice for one another we put some money in a jar. The jar is banked for a long time and when the kids turn in their money they decide on something TOGETHER that we will do with the money.

My kids decided we needed a HUGE jar. It's a gigantic plastic jar that held 2 1/2 lbs of pretzels. I told the kids it would take a very long time to fill that jar if they didn't work extra hard to be helpful and nice to one another but they weren't swayed. I also told them that the jar, when filled, could potentially hold $1000 and could get us a nice vacation, membership at the Y, or any number of fun and exciting rewards.

My son immediately was willing to help his big sister. Whenever she asked him for help, he did it. My oldest, Miss M, will be more of a challenge. I hope she will come around. It will be fun to pay a few coins (I didn't set any amount...just coins...any coins) for my kids to be helpful to one another.

Fingers crossed that it works.

Earlier and Earlier

It seems that rites of passage arrive earlier and earlier with each generation, though I know kids used to get married much younger than we do now. I'm dealing with an 8-year-old who seems more like a 13-year-old with her attitude and moodiness and if you tell me that oh no that's totally normal and it's going to get 80 times worse I may just have to hang myself. I know for certain that my daughter is more physically advanced (shall we say?) than I was at eight. I know that kids are going through puberty earlier than we did. Is it because of the hormones given to the animals we eat?

It is really hard on my husband who had no sisters growing up and has absolutely no frame of reference on the subject. I have to teach him to let many things slide or this will truly be a battle zone. I am not looking forward to my son's puberty years though I had a brother he is older than I am and I'm pretty sure I was oblivious of the puberty issues, especially since he is 4 years older than I am.

I have been unprepared to deal with issues that have come up already in my just-turned-eight-in-July-year-old's life. I didn't know things I dealt with in Junior High (now called Middle School here) would show up in elementary school.

Is it just me? Or are kids really maturing faster than ever?

Kids, Candy, and Money Management

This summer I decided to handle the candy thing a little differently.  There’s an old-fashioned candy store in the town where we spend our summers, see?  And when kids can buy candy for $.10, they are relentless.  And when their friends come to visit?  Oh yes.  All relentless.

So instead of fighting the sugar God, I decided to hand out cash.  In June.

“This,” I proclaimed, “is your money for the summer.  Mini-golf, lemonade, so much candy your teeth fall out…whatever you can buy,  it’s yours.”

“All of it?!”  They grinned from ear to ear.  They couldn’t believe their luck.

“Yep, until it’s gone.  And then, it’s gone.”

They’re not foolish, those children of mine.  They measured their options, weighed their choices, and loved not having to ask whether they were allowed to buy some candy every time a friend came to visit.  No one ever came asking for more.

I’m definitely going this route next year.

What about during the school year?  Can you share any tips that helps kids figure out how to manage their money--and not spend all of ours?

Time Out

Lately my house has been mad chaos. My husband went back to work after being laid off for two months. My babies have been teething and are on the move, learning to explore things they shouldn't.  All my kids have colds.  The weather is cool and rainy and we've been couped up in the house. I feel someone is either crying, screaming, laughing, whining, talking or wanting something every moment from 5:07am - 6:55pm.  {I guess that's what I get with having 4 kids} Not to mention this is the busiest time for me workwise.

So, I've been wanting to give myself time outs just to find a few minutes of peace.  Time outs for me, not my kids. (Of course, they always find me before my time is up.) 

What are your thoughts on time outs for kids that is? Do you use them? Do they work for you?

It seems in the last week I've heard a few times about time outs on 1 year olds.  Really? Whatever happened to redirection?  My babies will be approaching one this summer and like now, its easy to continue to redirect them. I did the same with my first two and started time outs when they turned 2. 

I followed the Super Nanny approach to time outs which if executed correctly and consitently, worked wonders in my house.  For the last couple years time outs are a rarity, all it takes is a warning. 

Memorize the Good Stuff

It's so easy to project the image of the happy little family.  We edit our words, written and oral, as we tell our families' stories to the world.  But let's not kid ourselves.  We all have issues.  Some are run-of-the-mill problems, the kind that nearly every parent recognizes when we're honest enough to share the stories.  Bedtime dilemmas.  Potty-training horrors.  Hitting or biting or simply not sharing at all.  Some problems are bigger, harder to deal with, harder to share.

And our kids grow, their issues do, too.  Peer influence.  Poor choices.  Driving and drinking and all those other things we worry about.

So I don't make this suggestion in any way shape or form to sound like we have it all goin' on over here at our house.  Like all of you, we are trying our best and dealing with the problems and issues as they come.

But as we work through this thing called parenting, one of the practices we've found most helpful is to have the kids memorize bible verses.  We print one out for the week (or two, or three if it's really long) and put it on the fridge.  Part of the dinner conversation is taking turns practicing the verse.  When everyone has it, we move on to the next one.  We also see who can remember the previous verses.  The kids enjoy the challenge, and we find it extremely useful to refer to the verses they know--to talk about them, and what they mean, and how to apply them--when the tougher times come around.

My Son Won't Put Down The Remote

This lament isn't uncommon among parents, and I'm always a tiny bit baffled by it.  After all, we control the remote, right?  Our kids can't use it without our permission, overt or other.

Ten years ago, we removed the television from our family room area.  We still don't have one on the main floor of our house.  Horrors, I know!  We are crazy, Amish-like even, right?  

Except, no.  Our kids love American Idol and crack up over Simon's outbursts.  They watch football on weekends and see just about every stinking movie that's made.

I don't have a problem with watching TV.  In fact, I enjoy it.  (For the record, we have two.)  But the reality is that TV takes time.  It's time my kids aren't building Legos or playing outside or reading a book.  It's time I'm not reading a book, for that matter. 

Parents ask me quite often how we manage without a daily diet of PBS and Nickelodeon.  The answer is simple.  Truly.  My kids don't know any different.

When they were little, they watched for 30 minutes every Friday afternoon because, Lord knows, I needed a little break.  When they got to school age, that time simply evaporated.  My boys don't even think about TV on a daily basis because they never have.

If this idea rubs you the wrong way, ignore it.  You are the parent and I am a firm believer that we each must parent in our own best way.  HOWEVER...

For those of you who read this idea and are intrigued, I challenge you to try it.  A new year is upon us, right?  If your kids are watching more than you'd like, try these ideas:

1.  Set a schedule.  Thirty minutes a week might seem like heresy to you (and your kids) if they're used to an hour a day.  Scale back bit by bit and let them watch their favorites WHEN IT WORKS FOR YOU.  Use your DVR or VCR, I don't care, but don't be held hostage by the time a show is actually aired.  Tape it one way or the other and use it during your planned TV time.

2.  Stick to it.  There you are, having a great week, on track and then, HEY, your kids go crazy.  Your strongest desire is to turn on the plug-in-drug and avoid conflict.  Don't do it!  Get out the play-doh, the puzzles or dump some rice in a huge bowl and let them "find" little toys in it.  Be creative and stick to your schedule.  One foot in front of the other...

3.  Introduce "Room Time."  If your kids have outgrown naps, you still need some time to get things done without them underfoot.  It's time to introduce this concept:  you work around the house, they play in their room.  By themselves.  Books on tape, puzzles, etch-a-sketch, a bazillion matchbox cars:  kids will learn to play with whatever is available.  Be warned:  if you've never done this before, start with a small amount of time, like 15 minutes.  Use a timer.  Have a fun reward at the end.  (Dare I suggest Candyland?)  Kids can do this for over an hour, I promise, but it takes time.  Give them some and you'll reap big dividends later. 

4.  Set an example. Ohhh, this one is ugly, I know, but I'm big on it.  It doesn't feel right for kids to see their mom or dad watching the Today Show all morning but deny them PBS Kids in the afternoon.  Yep, I know you love it.  Yes, the weather forecast, the gossip, the home tips, I know.  I'm just sayin'....what goes around comes around.  Try to cut down on your viewing if you want your kids to cut down on theirs.

5.  Don't go crazy!  We watch the Olympics all night every night when it's on.  We watch every Packers game that's aired where we live.  Movie night with popcorn is a family favorite.  Sure, you can completely disconnect and your kids will be fine.  (You, however, may go crazy.)  But you don't HAVE to completely disconnect in order to achieve your goals.  The whole idea is to KNOW YOUR GOALS.  When you understand WHY your desire is for your family to watch less TV you will be much more likely to make it happen.

Good luck friends!  I'm cheering for you.

Tips for Dealing With Preschoolers and Time

One of the first real battles that I remember as a relatively new parent of two kids was that my first-born started to refuse to go to sleep at night. It was miserable every night when we told her it was time for bed. She was two and strong-willed besides (she still is strong-willed). She could pitch an Oscar-worthy fit in 3.2 seconds. She had a new little brother and was asserting her place in the family. Also? She was two.

Around that same time she would ask me 14, 783 times when we were going to do whatever activity I may have been stupid enough to mention to her more than 30 seconds before the activity would occur.

Frustration caused me to brainstorm and I decided to make Miss M’s first “Event Calendar” to see if it could alleviate some of our problems. I made a calendar block on the computer and printed it on bright paper. Then I wrote any upcoming activities on the calendar. Since she was only 2 and couldn’t read yet, I drew pictures to symbolize each thing. For instance if she had “school” I drew a building with a flag on a flagpole by it. If we were going to a birthday party I drew a cake with candles on it.

The calendar was going to do double duty though. Not only would M be able to look and see that a birthday party was still many sleeps away, but I was going to use the “marking off the days” to my advantage. At that age, M was very interested in stickers. I stocked up on fancy character stickers, flower stickers, etc. and explained to her that IF she went to bed like a big girl (no crying, screaming, hitting, etc.) I would put a sticker on her calendar to mark off that day.

It worked remarkably well. M would wake up every morning and go to the fridge (where her calendar was hung) to check to see what sticker she got. After a while, I’d let her pick which sticker she’d want to get before bedtime. We’d lay the sticker on the counter and I’d tell her that I’d put it on the calendar if she went to bed without a fuss.

Five years later I’ve slacked on getting a new calendar ready every month, but M especially still asks me when I’m going to get her calendar ready. I think we may be ready to just buy a regular calendar just for her activities now. I started a calendar for K when he started preschool 2 years ago too, though he didn’t take to it as strongly as his big sister did.

Sometimes we just get lucky as parents and find the perfect thing for our particular child. Perhaps you have a child that this will work for as well!

Predictable Patterns

We live in a house that runs more or less on a schedule.

Oh, who am I fooling -- does any family with children and parents who work full-time run on a predictable schedule? In my mind, I have a schedule that would work, but the number of days in a week that this schedule is actually followed are few if existent at all.

When I had a young child, I took for granted that I had the majority of control in the day to day, hour to hour events that transpire. I put the child to bed, I turned out the lights, and I told her to go to sleep. Eventually, she fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time. I made dinner and didn't mix it up too much -- chicken, peas and carrots, some potatoes and applesauce on the side. Juice or milk to drink. That's dinner, now eat it. The kid fussed, she complained, she cried (shock!), sometimes...she even would throw a temper tantrum. But the bottom line is, I had a certain measure of control over the situation. Ice cream only came as a treat, and not in huge quantities for snack time. This way the kid was hungry for nutritious foods at mealtimes. Bedtime came at a reasonable hour so that the next morning when we all have to get up and start the day, she was well-rested and ready to start the day.

Little by little, as my daughter get older (and taller, and smarter, and more self-reliant) I found that the schedule and rules I set out in my mind wasn't quite so easy to enforce. All sorts of new things entered the picture as she aged and became more independent -- the expectation that chores will be done, the need for cell phones (!), her coming home and fixing her own snacks based on her own hunger level, days full of extracurricular activities, and the influence of what is normal is other kids' households. There are many more I could add to this list. Sure, the independence means there's less that I had to do for her. But this all leads to the one day when you wake up and you think, what happened to the way things used to run around here?

Which leads me to a constant source of friction in our household. With only one child, one who just started high school this year, it seems like the need for scolding never ends.

"Get up for school."
"Get up when your alarm goes of and don't make me call you three times."
"Yes, you must eat breakfast before you leave for school."
"Who spilled milk on the counter and didn't clean it up?"
"Can you please not pour glasses of drinks while holding the refrigerator door open?"
"Can you please clean the hair and make-up of the bathroom counter?"
"The cat litter hasn't been changed yet; it was supposed to be done three days ago and the cat is fighting back in a very nasty way."
"The dishes have to be cleaned every single day, after every single meal!"
"Why is it 11 o'clock and you're still not ready for bed?"
"Why is it midnight and you are still up on a school night using a computer?"

Set the alarm for the next morning, fall asleep, and...repeat.

There are little things that make me a little crazy too. Spring has just sprung here in Michigan and those highs in the 40s or 50s have made us all a little delirious. Somehow the idea that a coat or socks are still needed seems stuffy. I myself was at Meijer last night wearing nothing but a long-sleeved knit top and sweater with leggings; when we left the store, I regretted not bringing along at least a pair of gloves or the additional layer of a light jacket. But when it comes to my kid, this makes me crazy. Day after day, my daughter dons less and less as she runs out the door for the school bus in temperatures still in the 20s. Yes, I know she's indoors all day, but still, is it so much to still wear socks with your Converse sneakers when you know the outdoor temperature won't go above 45?

Let's bring it back to home life, though. You'd think that what I gained in my child's independence and self-reliance would outweigh the inconvenience of the relative chaos that independence brings. But more and more it feels like I'm living with a sloppy roommate, the one you had when you first moved away from home. Sure, you were happy because you got a great deal on rent, but my god, was it so much to ask for this person to actually clean their dishes once a day? And not leave candy wrappers lying around on every surface?

I decided I was going to try and approach the issue with my daughter like an adult. That is, I was going to treat her with respect and expect that she would give me the same. As soon as I made that decision, it became apparent to me what the breakdown was. Many of the things that were driving me crazy were the ways in which her behavior broke from what was expected, predictable, responsible. It drives me crazy when she sleeps in until 11a on the weekends because that inconveniences everyone else. When she finally does rouse and make her way downstairs for Saturday morning breakfast, she's in a horrible mood and the last thing she wants to do is help with the dishes or make pleasant conversation. I described it to her as "rock star behavior" -- when she stays up until 1a on Friday night and then can't function again until 1p on Saturday. The behavior that results from these choices presumes that other people around her are going to pick up the slack and make sure her needs are met. It also means she's not looking out for anyone but herself.

As we went though other ways in which her daily patterns were less-than-appreciated by others in the household, we realized most of them reduced to this same issue -- doing things in a way that was out of the ordinary, like a rock star, and assuming other people would pick up the slack. When we came to this understanding together, she began to see that she's part of a group that works together, not a kid who everyone has to take care of. It not only solved the problem of my frustration, it made her feel more like a maturing person who was taking charge of her life more and more each day.

Simple Thoughts About the Economy

So when I say, “I’ve decided to stop watching the economic reports on the news,” it’s a bit misleading.  I don’t really watch the news anyway.  I can’t remember the last time I saw the 6:00 news (do they still have that?) and, since my Kindergartener leaves the house at 7:15AM a couple of days a week, I’ve taken to missing the 11:00 broadcast, too.

Think I’m missing out?  Don’t fret.  I get the news, just not on TV.  I am, admittedly, a bit of a NY Times junkie.  Perhaps you knew that because of this or this or this.  No?  Okay, well, I admit it.  The thing I love about the newspaper or online news is that you can pick and choose.  You don’t have to sit down at the pre-assigned time and listen to the local anchors lead with Exciting Story of the Day.  If it’s 3 PM and you’re in the mood to find out the latest on Chris Brown and Rihanna, it’s a flip of a page away.  Thanks, Arts section.  At 9:00 PM when you’re wondering what the Op Eds had to say today, it’s as easy as pie. You can log right in and find out.  Want to check the latest on the NCAA?  Pick your time, hoopster fan.

Moreover, if you’re like me, you can skip the parts of the news you prefer to ignore for awhile.  How many people lost their job today?  How much did my top stocks go down?  Does my state still have the most unemployed people in the country?  Do I want to read this again?  No, I do not.

Okay, fine.  There is a part of me that wants to know. Even though it’s been a lot of years since I made a living there, I miss the business world and what happens in it still interests me.  I care about our economy and what’s happening to us and what it means for our children.  But I believe it will get better, and by “better” I don’t mean we’ll return to the same 'spend it all, as fast as you can, bigger, better, sparklier' mentality that has plagued us for the past couple of decades. 

I saw a very amusing video on youtube this morning, sent to me by a friend.  It’s a short clip of Conan interviewing comedian Louis CK.  I know everyone abhors the click over, but come on.  Click.  Just this once.  You’ll be glad you did.  He’s funny, but he’s got a really good point.  Then, if you’re feeling really generous, click back and tell us:  Do you agree?  What do you think?  

Everything's Amazing, Nobody's Happy:  CLICK HERE now

photo credit:  cursed thing

Destruction in the Land of Plenty

Both of my kids have special nicknames that I’ve listed in my profile on my blog, in addition to their simple initial “names” that I use to try to give them an illusion of privacy and safety on the Internet. M is, and always will be my “Turkey.” K is “Accident-Prone Man Jr.” and “Destructo-Boy.”

K, as of late however, has been leaning more toward the “Destructo-Boy” label rather than the “Accident Prone.” This is both good and bad. I’m thankful that he’s not hurting himself quite as regularly as he once did, but the destroying things is really grating on my nerves (and, in some cases, my wallet).

K, I say, watching him as he swings his new yo-yo around in circles and knocking it into various objects around the room, you’re going to break it. Rinse, repeat, 10 more times until suddenly the yo-yo breaks in half after a particularly hard crack against the floor.

It broke Mommy! K cries, utterly distraught and completely oblivious to the fact that I’d warned him 10 times to NOT swing it around or it would break.

We have to get a new one! He wails. Uh. No, we don’t.

I have gone to buy a new whateveritis only twice when he has broken things. Both instances were when he broke something of his sister’s. I didn’t think it would be fair to punish her for his destructive behavior.

I remember watching an episode of Super Nanny where there were two boys who loved to destroy their toys. Jo said it was because they had so many toys they didn’t really care if some were broken. I’ve already written that I know this is the case with my son.

I don’t know how to get him to respect his sister’s things however. If he breaks his own toys, well, that’s his problem. If he breaks his sister’s things? Well, that’s just not fair to her.

Mostly my solutions are to make M keep most of her toys in her room, then tell K he’s not allowed in her room unless she invites him in to play with her. At the same time that I’m telling her this, I think that she should be able to leave a few of her things out in the common area of the house without fear that it will be broken in her absence.

I’m hoping that K will outgrow this destructive habit (probably just in time for the baby to take over destroying things) but sometimes I wonder if that’s ever going to happen.

What do you think? Is this a phase that he’s going through? (A phase that’s lasting years?) Or is there something else going on here that I’m missing out on teaching him?

Mistakes

As parents, if we are lucky, we will be able to make many mistakes when it comes to raising our children.

Those mistakes will allow us to learn. Our children will learn and we will learn.

If we’re lucky, we make the little mistakes often enough that we never make the big mistakes. We never make the life-altering mistakes.

Although sometimes those little mistakes feel big.

When your child’s eyes are red-rimmed and overflowing with tears, his breath is coming in hiccups and his screams are in a tone that tells of his outrage at the injustice of it all… that’s when those mistakes feel larger than they are.

Lately I’ve been trying to make sure that I follow up on the promised consequences of misbehavior. Two nights this has resulted in each of my children being sent to bed slightly earlier than normal without reading books or snuggling.

I’ve been feeling that my children don’t take me seriously. I tell them to stop jumping on one another and they don’t stop. It’s as though I’ve remained silent. Have I mentioned that I’ve tried just telling them to stop?

It doesn’t do anything. They continue. I am a big joke.

So I decided that I needed a little less talk and more action.

At the same time, I’m refreshing my knowledge of Love and Logic parenting. The love and logic philosophy is counterintuitive to the less-talk more-action approach that I started this week.

So I’m sure that I’m thoroughly confusing my children.

Hell, I’m confused myself.

Sometimes I want to throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum. If you ask my kids, they will tell you that I’ve come pretty close to doing just that.

I’m making so many mistakes that I’m worried that I’m damaging my children’s self-esteem. What is wrong with me? Am I the parent or not? Because I’m acting like a sulky teenager who is not getting her way.

I have my little tantrum and then I feel like crying (which I sometimes also do). I feel guilty that I get so angry. I think things like “well if he just would listen I wouldn’t get so mad,” but the truth is that it is my problem, not his. My children are being children. They’re testing their boundaries. They have things they’d rather do than listen to their mommy blather on about the multitude of things she thinks they shouldn’t do.

How do I turn this around? How do I stop myself from traveling down this slippery slope of sloppy parenting?

I think that I need to learn to remove myself from the room. Maybe go to the bathroom if I find my anger increasing, or go to my bedroom and close the door. (I’m usually followed though.)

I need to learn to give in on some things. Maybe it’s not that important that the kids sit in time-out in silence. Maybe they can babble to themselves and still be in time-out. Maybe it’s more important for me to let it slide than to increase my blood pressure over this.

Of course these things are easier said than done. But it’s important that I try.