My two cents on bullying

All this talk in the media about bullying and kids who are berated for being gay has gotten my attention. A lot has changed since I was a teenager. No one would have dared admit being gay or lesbian. Forget transgender -- we didn't every know what transgender meant, much less not tease someone who identified this way. My oldest daughter is a junior in high school. It was about her 8th grade year that we started noticing the kids coming out. By 10th grade, everyone knew what everyone was. Her various friends identify in every way you can imagine: lesbian, gay, bi, transgender, you name it. I've really never worried about it too much; we live in a pretty liberal town after all.

But our pretty liberal town made national headlines a couple weeks back though, and it wasn't for football. It was because a student at University of Michigan, the student body president, an openly gay man, was being harassed by a public official of the state of Michigan. The student, after months of being harassed, finally filed in local court to have a restraining order brought against the official. The university moved to have the official, an alum of the law school no less, banned from university property. Here's a video of Anderson Cooper interviewing the official, followed by a video of Anderson interviewing the student:

Wow. It's like something straight out of my adolescence. I remember all the things me and my peers said casually, never even thinking about what the effect of our words might be:

"He's so gay and he's trying to get everyone else to be gay too!"

or

"Don't be so gay!"

or

"I think she's a lesbian, you know? I'd stay away from her in the locker room.
She's probably trying to get other girls to go lesbian too!"

Yikes. I'm glad to put those days behind me. I'm glad my friends who eventually came out don't hold my words against me today.

But we're not teenagers anymore, we're parents. So let's talk about parenting. Let's talk about our role in this whole thing. How do you raise a kid not to be a bully? How do make sure your kid isn't bullied? These are the immediate questions that come to our mind, right? How do I make sure my kid is ok?

I think these questions are the first ones we want to address. But once I've established that my kid isn't a bully or being bullied, I don't think I'm done parenting on this issue. I think I have to go one step further. I think I have to teach my children how to stop the bullying, how to stand up for their friends, how to make this whole ugly chapter end. Here's a start of what I did with my oldest daughter.

When she was in middle school, the insults started. She'd come home and report on what was going at school. She'd tell stories that included things like this:

"I mean, all the kids we're calling him gay, of course he got mad!"

or

"So then, things got really ugly. All the girls were in the bathroom and so-and-so
accused her of being a lesbian. She was really mad."

or

"She's a tranny, everyone knows it! It's just the truth,
so what difference does it make if we say it?"

Whew.

My instinctual reaction as a parent in this situation was to question whether it's legitimate for the kids to call someone gay or a lesbian or a transgendered person. I mean, there's no need to insult someone just because you want to be mean. But pretty quickly I realized there was something much more important to teach my daughter. Why is it an insult to say someone is a gay or a lesbian or a transgendered person? If it's true, should the person still be insulted or embarrassed or scared? I realized the important thing I needed to teach my daughter is that gay or lesbian or transgender or bi is nothing to be ashamed of. The very nature of these words as insults should be something my child finds odd. These words just describe the differences between people.

Think of it this way. I would faint if I heard of all the kids in the bathroom accusing a girl of being half-black. Or if they cornered a boy and threatened to ruin his reputation by revealing that his mother was Jewish or Hispanic. My immediate reaction would be to teach my child that discrimination against someone based on their ethnic heritage is dead wrong. We have to get to the point where discrimination based on sexual orientation and identity shocks us in the same way. I'm not saying racial discrimination doesn't exist or doesn't matter, I'm just saying that we are quicker to identify it as wrong. The N-word is still more offensive than "fag," as evidenced by the fact that I can include the word fag in this post, but not the N-word.

Yes, teach your children to trust you and to have a positive self esteem; this will help them not become the victim of bullying.

Yes, teach your children compassion and a healthy sense of humility; this will help them understand that being a bully is wrong.

Beyond this, teach them to stand up to bullies and to support others when they are being discriminated against. If we are able to have our children learn this while they are young, maybe they will grow up in a world where bullying is archaic and old-fashioned.

A Reason for a Wienie

K, D and I went to a local grocery store yesterday afternoon to see the Wienermobile. (M was at school...first day!) K wouldn't stand by the big dog alone and would only consent if I said D would be in the photo too.
Although we went for a hot dog lunch and a glimpse of the goofy Wienermobile, we also went for a less frivolous reason.

Ann Peterson is a mom, like me, but she has four kids. A six-year-old and 2 1/2-year-old triplets. She was at the grocery store today. She sat quietly with her family and took in the hubbub that surrounded the giant hot dog. Her eyes were proud.

Ann Peterson sat in a wheel chair. Just seven months ago she was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. ALS is a neurological condition that affects the nerves that control voluntary muscles. Ann's muscles are deteriorating. Her speech is being affected.

The family needs to modify their home to accommodate a power wheelchair. They also need a vehicle that will do the same.

That's what brought us to the Wienermobile. Those hot dogs they were selling were for Ann.

There were many people who came out to help Ann and her family. This photo only shows the beginning of a long line. But even if all of those people bought a $1 hot dog, there would not be nearly enough to pay for these things that Ann and her family need.

As I stood nearby Ann, urging K to eat his hot dog, I thought about how I would feel if I were in her chair at a benefit for me. I assume I'd feel gratitude, but also humbled.

My heart breaks for her kids.

If you're so inclined, you can help the Peterson family with a donation:

Peterson Benefit fund:
- Using PayPal: annbenefit@gmail.com-

By Mail: THINK Bank
Ann Peterson Benefit Account
ATTN: Nicole Ganrude
25 2nd St SW
Rochester, MN 55902
OR
Peoples State Bank
400 Division St
Millville, MN 55957

You can read more about the Peterson family and other upcoming fundraisers here. There is also a beautiful photo of the family.

Diversity?

I watched my son catapulting his body from the ground into a pit of foam cubes and laughed. He’s nothing if not exuberant about his play. When he’s not driving me insane, he really is fun to watch. His zest for life is apparent, and contagious.

I could vaguely recognize that the other parent spectators of the gymnastic birthday party were discussing Kindergarten options. Our kids are 3 or 4 years old, so it seems like a strange topic at this party so I tune in a little more.

We’re supposed to send B to that ghetto school, I can’t think of what it’s called.

Oh, Longfellow.

Ghetto school?

This is the school my daughter attends. It is a public school, but it was our choice to send her there because it has a non-traditional calendar. School there begins the last week of July and runs through the first week of June. The kids attend class for 5 weeks, then have a three week break. Kindergarteners attend all day, from 8:50 to 3:20.

I thought this school would be great for my daughter for the schedule (studies have shown that these kids retain their knowledge better and thus require less review when school resumes after summer break, which in this case is a shorter 6 weeks) and for the fact that the kids spend 2 hours per day reading.

It is a fact that geographically the school is situated nearby two trailer courts and at least one low-income housing complex.

My daughter, with her ivory skin, blue eyes and blonde hair is a minority in her classroom.

Does that make this a “ghetto school”?

The term disturbed me just as much for the derisive tone in which the words were delivered as it did for what they meant.

Although I’m not sure what they meant.

Minnesota, in general, is a pretty white state. (Besides the snow.) I don’t remember really noticing the lack of color in my classroom when my family moved (for my parents, back) to the state, but moving from Governor’s Island, NY to Rochester, MN was quite a cultural change.

I’m happy that my daughter is attending a school that has many types of students. It makes my heart happy that she sees no difference in her looks than her friend Ramla’s. She’s learning at a young age what some never learn. People are just people.

But I worry now that she will hear others speak with that derisive tone about her school, a school that she’s proud to go to. I worry that she will begin to second-guess whether she should be colorblind, or economic-blind.

I’ve never even spoken to my daughter about any of her friends being a different “color” than her. When I ask her to point out whom one of her friends is, she’ll describe her clothing, never having occurred to her to mention child’s skin tone. If I had said that one of her friends was black, I’m fairly certain she’d have no idea what I was talking about.

I wonder if that’s okay? Should I be initiating a conversation about race with my 5-year-old?

I tried to explain a bit about who Dr. Martin Luther King was when she was off from school that day. I attempted to explain that some people (didn’t mention skin color) used to belong to other people, that they were property like her toys are her property, and that they were called slaves. I tried to explain that some people used to not be able to use the same potties, eat at the same restaurants, even go to the same schools because of what they looked like.

I think she thought I was making it up.

Maybe she’s too young to learn this stuff. Maybe I’m over-thinking things.

What do you think?